Amir just got new glasses, and we were all joking with him saying they looked stupid and that he couldn’t pull them off. Of course it was all good natured and Amir played along. But the whole thing made me think about one of the saddest things I can remember. Here it is:

In 5th grade I spent the summer at the beach and didn’t see a lot of my friends. When the first day of school came I wanted to make a good impression and look cool. My hair had been growing for 3 months (I was really into Kurt Cobain) and my parents bought me a huge pair of cargo shorts for the first day of class.

When I showed up, it was awful. Everyone laughed at my hair. People said I looked like I lost a fight with a lawn mower, which is a terrible joke, but 5th grade me didn’t know this. They said my shorts looked like a dress. It was a brutal assault from pretty much everyone. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore- and this is the saddest part- so I went to the bathroom and cried. It’s a horrible feeling, even to look back on, to feel so sad for yourself.

I realized I was acting like a girl from one of those teen movies, crying in a bathroom stall, so I got my shit together. Picked my head up and walked back to class. I avoided speaking with anyone for the rest of the day. I made a promise to myself that I would get a haircut. School ended and I was really excited to just go home when my friend Mike came up to me with some advice.

Mike, who hadn’t talked to me all day, said only this: “Get a haircut, change your shorts, and lose the tan.” So I replied- and actually I changed my mind, this is the saddest part- “I’m getting a haircut after school, I won’t wear these shorts again,” and then, defiantly, ” and there’s nothing I can do about my tan.” Mike nodded.

I wish I could go back and talk to the 5th grade Jake crying like a baby in the bathroom. I might not have been able to convince him that it didn’t matter what people thought about the way you look, I might have even agreed with everyone about the ridiculous shorts. But I’d be sure to tell him “When you talk to Mike later, just tell him to go fuck himself.”